First of all, I just wanted to comment the last part of what I wrote in the last post. It's inane. I sound idiotic, and suppose I was writing more myself than anyone else.

I don't know if I actually have the presence of mind to write another post right noww, though. Today was the last day of the project, and it was crazy on many levels,. I haven't really figured it all out, and still aren't sure how it's going to come to an end in my mind.

So I won't put a post up right now. Maybe I''ll work on it while I'm in Siem Reap. I hope that I get internet connection there.

Yeah, this all isn't at a point of closure yet.

peace,
-W

Again, I wrote this yesterday. The intrablahgs fail here. Anyway...

Hello folks

Much has happened over the past three days. Every day seems to build on something of a physical and emotional rollercoaster the I keep thinking has reached its extremes, and yet never fails to climb just a bit higher, before plummeting dangerously close to the ground, then rising again. I’m not sure if I can even recall all of the twists in one sitting, but I’ll do my best, for my personal benefit if nothing else.

I’m really tempted to start with today, but I’ll try and go all the way back to the concert on the 25th. Christ, that was a bloody long time ago. Long day as it happened, too. We woke up, did our usual morning routine in the park, and then picked up breakfast to go from the usual place next to the hotel. We arrived at Sisowath high school, the location of the concert, a bit later. It’s a big campus, with large, yellow buildings and open courtyards. Compared to anything I’d be used to seeing in the states, it’s in incredible disrepair; dust and trash is everywhere, parts of buildings falling apart, and makeshift structures dotting the landscape. The performance hall only has one circuit box, and the stage lacks adequate equipment and space. Nonetheless, it represents one of the best institutions of high school level learning in Phnom Penh, and it shows in the students we’ve been working with. It’s an endearing complex, and beautiful in a way I can’t really describe.

Anyway, we arrived, and I could barely eat. I wasn’t particularly nervous and not sick (yet), but I simply couldn’t choke the food down without gagging. Just one of those days, I guess.

We got into the concert hall, but I had to leave almost right away to buy a charger for my camera battery. I went with Seihoung, whom I hadn’t had the chance to really speak to before. He’s a wonderful man. Very funny, very intelligent, and exudes kindness. While we weren’t successful in bargaining down the price of the charger, at least I could finally take photographs again.

The problem, though, was that my battery charged incredibly slowly. At first I just thought it was a crappy charger, but I realized later when I was able to charge the entire battery in 20 minutes at the hotel that the problem was, in fact the weakness of the electrical outlet I was using. Eventually it charged enough for me to use it, but it ran out of juice twice again during the course of the day, the second time, unfortunately, in the middle of the concert. I got some really great shots, though, and it felt awesome to be using my camera again. More on that later, though.

So, we spent several hours getting ready, and while stuff didn’t go quite on schedule, it went well enough. I thoroughly enjoyed the performance, despite some serious issues with the hired sound equipment. I’m sure the main blog will discuss that more thoroughly, though. I was really proud of Tran and Raksmay, even if I couldn’t understand a word they said. The were incredibly confident and clear when they spoke, and even though Tran couldn’t remember to hold the mic the right way, they both pulled it off admirably. At one point, Tran’s mic went out, and while Smay covered beautifully for him, he very calmly went to the sound table and collected new mic. Even though they thought they performed poorly, they did very well.
The place was packed, too. We had over 500 people, which blew my mind. I was also blown away by running into a former classmate from grammar school, who was in the audience. Weird shit.

So, we finished the concert on an incredible high. What was a little disappointing, though, was returning to CLA, where we realized that we had failed to create permission forms for the students for the field trips the next day. What should have been ten minutes of debriefing turned into over an hour of waiting. I admit I was not very happy at that point. I’m so tired, I honestly can’t recall what happened the rest of the day.

The next day. This day was an exception to the schedule of the rest of the program, hence the permission forms. Luckily, most students got permission and were able to come, cause today turned out to be extraordinary. Rather than teaching the CLA and high school students, we went with them to visit children in even more disadvantaged situations. The first, we split into two groups, and each visited a separate AIDS orphanage. These were kids between the age of around 2 and 7 who were infected with HIV, and had lost their parents. At the site we visited, the program workers were building a small community for these kids a bit outside Phnom Penh. We got a brief tour, then were left with the children for about 45 minutes.

I’d left my camera on all night like an idiot, so the battery was dead, but I guess on the brightside it freed up my hands to play with the kids. That was something. Moving in a way I can’t describe without sounding hokey. I’m sure it was something all of the children were taught, but they called us “pa” and “ma.” One of the young boys was carrying around this book of fashion for young girls, and had no idea what it was, but I went through it with him anyway. Eventually, he produced a book full of little punch-out tokens. I went through the pictures with a few kids, telling them the English words for certain animals and letters, and having them tell me the Khmer names. When we had to leave, I had to step away from the group and take a moment. I felt myself beginning to cry. I never cry.

I can’t do it justice, but it was one of the most touching experiences of my life. Another one came that afternoon.

This time around, my battery was charged, and I could take photographs. We visited a dumpster site. Mountains of garbage, literally. Piles that towered over your head, which you could climb if you tried. Trash everywhere, covering the ground, the water. And there were people here. Not any sort of disposal worker. Children, adults, wrapped in tattered, stained cloths, sifting through the garbage, sorting it into bags, going to and fro. These were people so poor that they scavenged through trash for any small thing to sell, barely making enough money for a bowl of rice every day. We went with the Cambodian Children’s Fund, headed by a wonderful man named Scott Niesen. He was the former marketing director of Sony, who sold everything to move to Cambodia and help and try and save these children.

For the first time in my life, I encountered a severe case of photojournalistic ethics. I made to comment to Kathleen and Rith, I think, that when you have a camera, people either love you or despise you. I had some people posing and waving, while others glared warily at me. Others ignored me, just another comfortable westerner come to marvel at them. Whatever they felt, though, I felt almost as though my camera offered something false. I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t offer anything to them. I just took pictures, pictures that people have been seeing for 50 plus years, and hardly care about anymore. I took, and offered nothing, except maybe a false hope that I could make people aware, make something change.

And yet, there was this one little girl I came across as we were leaving. Beautiful little child, with silky black hair just past her shoulders. She caught my eye, and sort of smiled shyly at me, and looked at my camera. I asked if I could take a picture of her, and her smile widened just a tad, and she sort of nodded, and I took the shot. I gave her one more smile, then walked away.

The picture is beautiful. I want to get it to her somehow. I don’t know if it’s possible.

***

Alright, there’s something else I’m going to get out now, and it’s a bit more personal than I’m used to exposing. The rest of today can wait, since there’s really only the workshop to discuss, and I don’t feel like ranting about that right now. Fuck me. It’s weird. I’m at a point in my life where I consider myself ‘good with women,’ to use a common term, I guess. I used to not be, but that has changed. Some of my best friends are female, and I know how to be attractive to some, at least. And yet, whenever I try and expose some sort of genuine emotional (searching for the word) attachment, I lose the game. This is why throughout freshman year of college, I gave up on significant emotion, because when the moment comes, if you choose intellectualization on any level over forgivable action, you don’t get shit.

And I know all of this. I know how to manipulate it, perhaps not as well as some people I know, but I have my own style. So why would I even bother trying to make it real? The end result is the same, especially in circumstances like this where time is a limiting factor, and I personally have no concerns over being hurt. So why do I ask rather than take?

And it doesn’t hurt. People have tried to hurt me in the past, and have failed. It’s simply frustrating, how time and time again what seems ethically the best choice ends up with more problems than the alternatives. I suppose that relates back to some of the struggles I faced concerning my time with the orphans and in the junkyard. What do we amount to, really?

If you’ve read all this, congratulations. It is probably the most personal statement you’ll ever get from me.

Fuck it, I’m tired. More on today tomorrow.

I spent all night fidgeting around with things related to stuff, including the template for this blog. I don't like this one that much, but it's better than the oppressive black I started with, and will do for a little while. I'll get a feed up at some point, etc.

Because of said fidgeting, I'm going to pass posting today. We had the concert, which was spectacular. Tomorrow, which is a chill day, I'll give the full rundown. Until then, enjoy the other two somewhat dated posts.

Still the internet issue. I actually wrote this on the 24th.

So, as of writing this, I have no Internet access, which kind of sucks. Actually, I don’t even know if my last post made it online, so the two might be going up at the same time. Woot.

Packed day today. I hit a bit of low in terms of stability. While nothing compares to the complete and utter exhaustion of both my body and soul I experienced the day before, I felt more stressed out today than I had at any other point this trip. This mostly occurred during the afternoon concert planning, when everything very suddenly became urgent and frantic. It kind of came right out of left field, considering the past three days, everything was going smoothly with both planning and with my students, Tran and Smay. And yet, all of a sudden, we had a thousand and one thing we needed to do in a rapidly receding amount of time.

First of all. We realized we did not have all of the information we needed, and my Tran and Smay both needed to speak to more people. This barrier was compounded by the fact that at the last minute, we had decided to add a fourth set to the concert, bringing in an entirely new group to perform. On top of that, the content of the presentations the students had written needed a bunch of editing.

It was hectic, and particularly stressful because there was not much I personally could do. I delegated tasks to Smay and Tran, which was relatively redundant considering they usually knew what they needed to get done next even before I did, then just sort of sat there, twitching nervously. While I was fully confident in the capability of the two, I get antsy when I can’t get directly involved in accomplishing what needs to be done. So I stewed, a lot.

Luckily, the two did, in fact, know exactly what needed to get done, and were very good about it. While I contemplated the trails of ants crawling across the front porch, they got all of the information they needed, and rewrote all fifteen minutes of their presentations, including new content. While everything ended up being a bit tight, we even had time at the end to run through them and everything. I still don’t understand Khmer, but they looked spot on and Trent said they sounded good, so hey.

It astounds me anew every day how intelligent and generally awesome these kids are. We participated in a Cambodian dance class, this morning, and the students were all over us, helping us pitifully attempt to get the movements right. We failed miserably, but it was really wonderful.

I’m to the point with the group that I’ve started singing to myself, which, if you’re one of my fellow mentors and are curious, is a good thing.

I’m really starting to feel very powerfully about the work I’m doing here. Honestly, I always knew I’d have a good time and maybe accomplish something, but the resume-padding factor has been rather relevant. It’s less so now.

The concert is tomorrow. I’m strangely serene about the whole thing. While I wish that I was more involved in the technical aspects, such as stage managing, set and sound construction, etc, I’m really entirely confident that the whole thing will work out. Really the only factor I’m concerned about is attendance. I really have no way to anticipate how many people will come.

I know that there was something really important that I was going to write about, but I forgot what the hell it was. I’m getting too old.

Kevin and I decided that we’re going to go on a bike tour across Ireland at some point. I guess I’m going to have to improve my bike riding skills, cause I really suck.

So, I wrote this post several days ago, but the internet sucks here, and has been going down whenever I was going to post it. So, here it is.

Hello folks,

Over the past few days, I've gone through in my mind a whole bunch of different ways to start this post. I suppose that self-referential writing is sort of an anti-climactic decision to ultimately make, but it's easy and gets me typing.

So, stuff has kind of happened since I last wrote. Looking back, I realize that the kids hadn't even arrived at the project when I first wrote, three days ago. By now it seems like we've known them for ages. The past few days have been some of the longest in my life, but also, to use an incredibly cliché and perhaps empty phrase, some of the most rewarding. It's been incredible, but the project has gone further than anything I really could have expected.

Unfortunately, at this point it's kind of hard to report on individual events. Things are starting to blur, and it's very late (I'm making myself write this post, though). There have been many really meaningful events, though.

It's funny because in some ways I feel out of place. One factor is that I'm white. Only two other members of our mentor team, Trent and Kevin, are also Caucasian, and of us three I feel least versed in Cambodian culture. Trent, if you don't him, spent five months last year in Cambodia as a monk, is fluent in Khmer, and generally has a great deal of respect and understanding for the culture. Kevin has been very close to Trent for several years, and took his interest in Cambodian culture from him.

For me, on the other hand, I really only gained an appreciation or even genuine awareness of the country this year. As petty as it may seem, my interest stemmed from watching The Killing Fields, about the Cambodian genocide, well before I even heard of SEALnet. I did some research, and when Kevin told me about the program, I decided very quickly I wanted to apply. I'll admit, though, that much of that decision had to do with building my resume. I didn't necessarily know what to expect from the program.

Despite all of this, though, I've ended up not feeling uncomfortable at all. Strange.

There's many things I could go on to talk about, but I think I'll start with my group members, then see how I feel. Simply put, they're incredible. Every once and a while I'm simply struck by how well we work as a group, how open everyone is, and the energy we've maintained. There are some people I feel I've grown very close to rather quickly.

It's also very good to be working with Kevin again, who is one of my best friends from high school. We are co-leading a workshop on public speaking, for which we presented the first of two sessions today. Honestly, I was worried that we would be able to pull it off. Public speaking is an abstract and difficult thing to teach, even without taking language barriers into account. It felt very good, though. It was fantastic being in front of the students and working with them, and I felt that they actuallty took some understanding of confidence, vocalization, etc. away from the workshop. Banished that migraine I'd had for the past day, at least for a while.

I've had my series of issues, sure, some of which I'd rather not share here. Come ask me in person, if you're curious, and I'll probably tell you, though. There are some moments when we have feedback or information sessions when I can just see our time oozing away into the gutter. I spent one recent discussion, a rather lengthy debate over what I thought was kind of a triviaul subject that was actually solved very quickly, doodling a man with a large club beating a dead horse. There have been times where I can't sit still, but I haven't felt the urge to throttle anyone so far, so I suppose that's a good thing.

Another concern I've had, really, is being able to find some common ground between my Western background, which is my only personal frame of reference, the traditional aspect of Cambodian culture our students are familiar with, and the concept of allowing art to grow and evolve to make it relevant to new generations. It's a concept that's hard to articulate. Hah, I've been saying and thinking that very much lately, both about people and ideas. What a group.

I recommend everyone pay a visit to Cambodia at some point.

Tired now. I realize I haven't really writen much substantial. I'll try and talk more about specifics next time.

Yesterday: The internet connection in the hotel was down, and I didn't feel like writing a post offline. Probably unwise in retrospect, but there's no use crying over spilled milk.

Today: It's really goddamn late, and I'm far to tired to be cohesive. Nobody has probably read this yet anyway.

Big post coming soon.

-W

Will come. Give me time. Right now, enjoy the generic template blogger provides me with.

Hello Everyone,

So, here I'll keep track of my own personal reflections. If you would like to view the group blog, please visit projectcambodia.com.

Since I created the post for the group blog today, in the interest of my own sanity, I'll simply copy what I wrote into here, with a few edits.

Hello folks,

This is Will Cirocco, and I'm your friendly guide through this blog. It's currently 10 past midnight, Cambodian time, and suffice to say I'm rather exhausted, and don't quite have a sense of space or time right now. Nevertheless, I shall press on!

Anyway, a bit about me. I live in San Francisco, CA, and heard about this program through Trent Walker and Kevin Fugaro, two friends I went to high school with, who are also on Project Cambodia, and whom you will be hearing from in the future. Both very upstanding individuals. I'm a rising Sophomore at Kenyon College, which is this tiny little school in The Middle of Nowhere, Ohio. A cookie for you if you've heard of it.

Well, here's how our day panned out. I had gotten in on the 18th at 5:00 after about 30 hours of travel, and was rather jetlagged. I was kind of dissoriented when I woke up at 6:30ish. We got started quickly, though, taking a morning walk at 7:00 down to nearby Wat Phnom park. There, we spoke further about the particular goals of our project, specifically expounding upon our three word goal of Inspiring Arts Renaissance. We broadened this concept into five 'bullet points,' which included:

-Building and conducting the workshops we will be working with the Cambodian Living Arts Students and high school students. These are the more general, group workshops, that we're designing to give all of the students skills that can help them take leadership positions in the future. I'm personally working with Kevin on the Public Speaking worskshop, and also Alex Nguy on the Journaling workshop.
-Building and conducting the more intimate sessions with one CLA student and one high schooler. These sessions are aimed specifically at organizing the concerts on the 25th and 27th, which the students will be running at the two different high schools to promote Cambodian performance arts.
-Next is the blogging, which you are currently reading. Hopefully it won't be too dull, and will give you a good idea of who we are, and what we are accomplishing.
-Next is sharing with the group, and involves creating personal bonds with everyone, learning from each other, and operating in an effective and family-like manner, with as little of the associated dysfunction as possible.
-Finally we addressed the idea of sharing with the world, which represents the broader goal of our project to relate to the world in a meaningful manner. This one is one that I think particularly much about, as one of my broad, vague goals in the project, and life in general, really, is to create something meaningful.

After that Kevin led us in several group bonding exercises. They're a series of mostly physical things that involve building your own personal energy, and connecting with the group. A good example, and one of my favorites, is a passing of a clap, in which we litterally pass a clap (not the disease, mind you) to various people with as much energy as possible, accompanied by that persons name.

After the park, we walked back and ate breakfast, an experience I barely recall. By this point, all of us had arrived except Aveena. After stopping back at the hotel, we finally paid our first visit to the Cambodian Living Arts building. We climbed several flights of stairs to the top of a building set a bit back off of the road, to a large, well-lit room, with a large post in the center. After several more team building exercises, we began on our circle painting project. In the interest of space, I'll leave elaborating on this to someone later, but this project, led by one of our mentors, and an incredible artist and human being, Hiep Nguyen, is part of the larger SEALnet project, and will hopefully be a part of the upcoming ASEAN conference.

After that, we had lunch, where our final team member, Aveena met up with us. We returned to CLA, and did several more team building exercises, and further discussed the goals and logistics of the project. It was a long day, but I think we're starting to pull everything together. We'll see how everything holds up when the students arrive tommorrow, though.

Afterwards we had dinner, then returned to the hotel, where Hiep elaborated upon the circle painting exersise. It's very exciting, and hopefully we can deliver a great product. If you're interested to learn more about the idea, here's a video of Hiep in action.

The rest of the night wrapped up with us scrambling to get last minute logistics together, with a brief session where Thearin and Yours Truly were subjected to a rather personal Q&A from our team members. Which brings me to where I am now; now 12:45, I am exhausted, and not quite sure who I am anymore. I still have some scheduling and memorizing for the talent show tomorrow. Hah.

Briefly, though, I wanted to comment on Phnom Penh, and what it's been like. One thing that strikes me is how extraordinarily busy the streets were. People are everywhere, with motorbikes darting about chaotically. And yet, there's a sense of ease I'm not really used to. People sit on sidewalks, talking or doing nothing, which you never see in the states. Combined with the openess of the buildings, it's as though the character of the entire city is lying right out in front of you like a cat in the sun.

My team members are fantastic, our mentors are extraordinary, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here, especially once the students arrive. It should be fantastic. I'm really excited.

peace,
-W